Prologue

Josh

With my eyes closed, I could feel every stone, every bump, every crack of the pavement. The wheels spun—gripping tightly to form that perfect relationship with the ground.

The board, the ground and me—we were one—nothing to hide, nothing to lose.

I heard the dribble of the basketball and silence for a second, then the ball bouncing off the metal hoop. Hunter’s feet scraped across the asphalt, kicking loose gravel around on the half-court we’d been coming to since we were kids. I opened my eyes and set my foot on the tail of the deck, slowing down, and then finally coming to a stop. I didn’t join him in our usual game of Skateball, a game we’d made up when we were kids. Instead, I sat on the bench; shoulders slumped from the proverbial weight that’d just been dumped on them.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, sitting down next to me.

Blake Hunter had been my best friend since I could remember, so of course he could tell. Or maybe I was shit at hiding it. I looked down at the board beneath my feet as I moved it from side to side, itching just to jump back on, coast away, and chase that high of being alone.

Alone with just me, the deck, and spinning of the wheels.

“Natalie says she pregnant.”

Hunter’s foot landed on the nose of my skateboard, stopping it from moving. “Josh?”

I heard the weariness in his voice, but I didn’t look up. I didn’t want to see what his eyes would convey. Probably pity.

“What are you going to do?” he asked.

I shrugged. “She just dropped the news on me and told me to leave—that she didn’t want my input on her decision.”

“That’s bullshit.”

I shrugged again. “I didn’t know what else to do so I gave her what she wanted.”

“What do you want to do?”

“Not think about it.”

“You can’t ignore it.”

I lifted my gaze, but still avoided his. “I don’t want to think about it because I don’t want to have my mind or my heart set on something and she chooses the opposite.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, and I laughed. Because really? What the hell else could I do? He added, “I didn’t even know you were having sex.”

“Twice,” I told him. “Condom broke the second time.”

“Fuck.”

I sat back and crossed my arms. “Yeah. That pretty much covers it.”

He sighed loudly, but I still couldn’t look at him. “So we wait until she decides and we go from there.”

“We?”

“Always we, Josh. Whatever you need.”

I stood up. “I’ll see ya, Hunter.” And then I pushed off the ground with one foot, the other on the board, and headed home—wondering the entire time what Hunter’s face would’ve looked like when the word “pregnant” left my mouth. I laughed. It was dumb to laugh, but like I said, what the hell else could I do?

For two weeks Natalie talked and I listened. She went back and forth a thousand times over, repeating the same questions. Then one day, she sat down next to me in the school cafeteria and placed my hand on her stomach. My eyes snapped to hers. Her bright blue eyes seemed to sparkle when she flicked her blonde hair over her shoulder and pushed out her stomach. And then she smiled. “Promise me we’ll do it together?” she asked.

And I found myself smiling with her. “Of course,” I said. And I meant it.

We were sixteen and pregnant. And at the time—we were happy.

 

We told her parents first. She said it would be easier if she did it alone, but I refused. Natalie and the baby were my soon-to-be family, and I sure as hell would take responsibility for them. Her parents were disappointed. Her dad looked like he was going to punch me. Truthfully, I’d geared myself up for it. Natalie was an only child, like me, and she was their baby. But they weren’t around much. Her dad was a hotshot industrial realtor who traveled a lot. Her mom was his trophy, and she’d follow him wherever. We were lucky though—they understood that the decision to keep the baby was ours, and they said they’d support us to a certain degree. But they were done being parents, and not ready to be grandparents, so not to expect too much support.

My parents? That was a whole other story. My dad actually did what I thought Natalie’s dad would do. Yeah. He punched me. My mom cried. Natalie cried. My parents yelled some more. My mom kept mumbling about how she should’ve forced me to go to church with her every Sunday. My dad called me useless and told me to pack my bags and leave. Mom cried some more. I caught her gaze once, pleading with her to try to talk some sense into Dad. She knew what I was silently asking, because she said, “No, Joshua. This is your mistake. You deal with the consequences.” I did what they wanted. I packed my shit and left. No one would ever call my child a mistake. No one.

Natalie drove home.

I skated to Hunter’s.

He saw the bag in my hand and the fresh bruise under my eye and opened the door wider.

I slept in his guest bedroom for a while, walking on eggshells around his asshole dad. Then one day Hunter said, “You wanna look for an apartment or something? We could get jobs and split the rent.” And I knew what that meant without him actually coming out and saying it. His dad wanted me out. He added, “I’d offer you the guesthouse, but Mom’s moved in there.”

“What?”

“Yeah. I think it’s easier to hide her drinking.”

I called Natalie. She picked me up and took me back to her house. Her parents said I could stay in the bedroom down in their basement until I found something more suitable just as long as no one knew about it. They didn’t want to seem like the type of parents who encouraged sex and teen pregnancies. With them being gone so much on business, Natalie and I made a home for us in my temporary bedroom and played house during the day. We never argued, never had a bad thing to say to each other. It was nice. Actually, it was kind of perfect.

My parents never called.

We combined all our savings and the money that her mom had secretly given her to buy clothes and diapers and everything else the Internet told us we’d need. We went to all the doctor’s appointments together, and when she started truly showing, she stopped hiding it from the kids at school and everyone else. I was proud of her. I was proud of us. And on the day that Thomas Joshua Christian was born, I was the proudest damn man in the entire world.

She said she didn’t want to give him my last name. She wanted to wait until we were married and then she’d change it… something about not wanting to be looked down on when she gave people their different last names. I thought she was being stupid, but she had gotten ridiculously moody toward the end of the pregnancy so I chose my battles, and I let her win every single one.

I really wish I knew what happened between the months leading up to the birth, until the few weeks after. All I could think of is that we actually had the baby. Natalie—she complained a lot about everything: breastfeeding, exhaustion, having to do it all on her own, me not helping. I didn’t know how much more I could do. I changed every diaper, every outfit. Even when she was awake for feedings, I’d wake up with her so she didn’t have to feel alone. She was exhausted, and I understood that, which is why I helped out as much as I could.

So, gone were the days of playing house, of never arguing, of everything being perfect.

All of it gone.

And then, on Tommy’s one-month birthday, so was she.

I woke up to him crying in the middle of the night. I searched the house for her but I couldn’t find her anywhere. I even knocked on her parent’s bedroom door and asked them where she was. They said they had no idea and went back to sleep. All the while my baby cried, hungry, in my arms.

I tried to call her.

She didn’t answer.

I looked for her car.

It wasn’t there.

Then I saw it: the note on the nightstand next to the framed picture of my family.

I’m sorry, Josh. I just couldn’t do it.

* * *

It’d only been two weeks since Natalie took off when her parents asked to talk to me. I was still living in their basement, eating their food, using their water and electricity. I’d never asked for more of them. In fact, they barely even looked at their grandchild. “I know this is hard, Josh,” Gloria, Natalie’s mom, started. “But we didn’t agree to this living arrangement.”

I stared down at my son, not even two months old, sleeping peacefully in my arms. He had it tough for a few days after Natalie left. I had to buy special formula to wean him off the breast milk. He didn’t take too well to it. I had gone through three different brands before I found one that he could actually keep down. I’d stopped going to school. Hunter—he came around to bring my homework, even though he knew I wouldn’t do it. Honestly, I think he came just to see Tommy. He was kind of obsessed with the kid.

“Josh?” Gloria said, pulling me from my thoughts. “I hope you understand.”

I didn’t.

I couldn’t.

I couldn’t understand how anyone could turn their backs on their family… and yet here I was—facing nothing but backs.

I nodded and pushed back the tears threatening to fall. Never looking up from my son, I asked, “Have you heard from her?”

William, Natalie’s dad, cleared his throat. “Yes,” he said. “She asked for money.”

Silence descended on the table, my mind reeling, my rage building. Then I finally spoke. “Did she ask about us?”

Gloria answered, “No, Joshua. She didn’t.”

William stood up, bringing my attention to him. He pulled out his wallet and dumped two hundred-dollar bills in front of me.

“Thank you,” I said, standing up and grabbing the cash.

I called Hunter once I was in my room packing everything I thought we’d need.

“Where to?” he asked after I’d installed Tommy’s car seat in his car and sat in the back with him.

“Home, I guess.”

 

My dad slammed the door in my face. My mom cried.

When I got back in the car, Hunter looked pissed. “I’ll be back,” he said, and marched up to my parent’s front door. He pushed it open and walked past my dad, slamming the door behind him.

I don’t know what they spoke about, but it was loud. Mom cried harder. Dad yelled louder, but Hunter—he yelled the loudest.

 

We went to a hotel. Hunter paid for a week in advance on his mom’s credit card. “She’s too tanked to even know it’s missing,” he told me.

I didn’t argue.

After we unloaded his car and he helped us settle into the room, he sat on the edge of the bed, his shoulders slumped and head bent.

I asked, “What’s wrong?”

He looked up at me and I could see the sympathy behind his glazed eyes. “I hate that this is happening to you.”

I sighed. “Tell you what…” I removed Tommy from his car seat and handed him to Hunter. Hunter looked down at him, smiling as soon as my son was in his arms. “Look at him, Hunter. Look at him from my eyes and tell me any of this isn’t worth it.”

 

Hunter let me borrow his car, opting to skate anywhere he needed.

Thank God for Hunter.

I spent the week looking for jobs. Turns out no one wanted to hire a seventeen-year-old high school dropout who brought their baby to interviews.

 

Even though two hundred dollars seems like a lot—it’s not, especially when you have a baby.

“Your card’s been declined,” the clerk behind the register said.

My heart stopped. “What?”

She shrugged. “Sorry.”

I took out my wallet and fished around for cash. I had a twenty but that wouldn’t cover what I needed. I looked at the formula, wipes, and diapers sitting on the register, trying to decide which one I needed less. “Take out the wipes.”

She shook her head. “Still not enough.”

I ignored the grumbles from people in the line behind me. My heart was thumping now, finally cracking under the pressure. “I need the formula and diapers,” I pleaded with her, knowing it was useless.

She shrugged again. “Sorry.”

She wasn’t sorry. She didn’t give a fuck.

“Fine. Just the formula.”

 

I walked to my car in a complete daze, wondering what the hell else I could possibly do. I searched the diaper bag in the trunk of Hunter’s car, hoping Natalie may have hidden an emergency stash. Nothing. I searched my plastic bag of clothes and found an old T-shirt. I looked from the shirt, to Tommy, and back again. And then I had no choice but to use it as a diaper. I had no idea how to wrap it, or what to do, and this wouldn’t last long before he needed to be changed again.

I needed money.

And I needed it fast.

Then I saw it—hiding beneath Tommy’s port-a-crib. My IXO longboard. I’d saved up almost a year just to drop $1500 on it. I’d used it to compete in street comps. It was my pride and joy pre-Tommy.

I pulled it out without a thought and finished dressing him, then walked to Deck and Check, the skate shop two doors down from the grocery store.

“I’ll give you fifty for it,” Aiden said from behind the glass counter.

“Bullshit, Aiden, you know what this is worth.”

Aiden leaned forward to examine the board again. “I get it, Josh. But the punks around here—they don’t care for this kind of shit. Only you do.”

Tommy started crying.

I tried to soothe him.

Aiden added, “You’re the only one around here that knows what this is worth. I don’t want it for myself, and I can’t sell it. I’ll give you a hundred.”

I felt my heart tighten. Another crack. Tommy cried harder.

“Aiden, please!” I begged. “A hundred won’t cover his diapers. I need diapers. I need gas. I need a place to fucking sleep tonight. You gotta help me out, bro. Please.”

Aiden stood taller. “I feel for you, Josh, but this is my business. One fifty. That’s it.”

Tommy was wailing now.

I dropped my gaze. “One fifty will barely get me a hotel room.”

“I’m sorry.” He wasn’t.

“Fine.”

I took his cash and in return, I said goodbye to my old life.

I bumped into someone waiting behind me, apologized, and walked out the doors to my uncertain future.

I took three steps around the corner and into an alley. And then I finally let the cracks from the pressure break me.

I placed Tommy, in his car seat, on the ground and I cursed.

I kicked the brick wall.

And I broke some more.

Tommy cried louder.

I slid down the wall until I was next to him and pulled him out of the seat and into my arms. Rocking him. Soothing him.

And I cried—tasting my tears mixed with his sweat on his forehead as I kissed him. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry. Daddy’s gonna make it okay. Daddy isn’t going anywhere, okay? I’ll never leave you. Never. I promise.”

I wiped my eyes and nose with the sleeve of my hoodie and tried to calm down. But we were both crying, and his cries made me cry harder, because as much as I promised to make it right—I had no idea how to.

Then the strangest thing happened.

The tiniest ray of sunlight shone between the two buildings. The strength of it causing Tommy to flinch, then open his eyes, long enough to possibly see the outline of my face.

He stopped crying.

I stopped crying.

Then something dropped next to my feet. My longboard.

“What the…”

I looked up.

An old lady was smiling down at me. She had dark skin, like she came from an exotic island somewhere. “You need gas money? I need a young man to help me shop for groceries and give me a ride home.” She had an accent.

I sniffed and stood up, Tommy still in my arms. Then I looked down at my board. “What? How did—”

“Let’s go.”

“Wait…”

“What are your names?” she asked.

“Joshua.” I lifted Tommy slightly. “This is my son Tommy.”

She raised her arms, her eyes soft and pleading. There was a hint of pride in her expression—the way my mom used to look at me before everything went to shit. For that reason, I felt safe enough to hand over the only thing that mattered to me. She smiled warmly and looked down at my son. “He’s beautiful.” She motioned her head toward the car seat and my board. “Don’t forget your things. Let’s go.”

“Wait,” I said again, picking up the items off the ground. “W-what’s your name?”

“Chazarae.”

I followed her around the store while she did her grocery shopping. She kept her hold on Tommy and asked me to collect things for her cart. She said, “I have my niece staying with me next week. She has a newborn, like Tommy. So get what you think I’ll need for the baby.”

I grabbed a box of diapers and wipes. She said to get a tin of formula just in case. The entire time I was in a trance, still worried about where the hell I’d be sleeping that night. She paid for the groceries and we headed back out to Hunter’s car.

He called the second we were all settled. “I was wondering if I could borrow the car tomorrow. Dad’s set up a meeting with a recruiter.”

I laughed once. “It’s your car man, I’ll uh…” I glanced over at Chazarae sitting next to me. “I’ll call you later. We can work it out.”

I didn’t want Chazarae hearing that I’d planned on sleeping in it that night. I had enough shame to deal with.

She directed me to her house about ten minutes away. “Just up there,” she said, pointing to a garage apartment. The main house was to the right of the driveway. It was two-story—nice enough—with a perfectly kept garden. She took Tommy, still in the car seat, up the stairs to her apartment while I carried her groceries. I left the first batch of bags at the front door and went back twice more before lugging them all inside. She set Tommy on the counter of the tiny kitchen and started to turn on some lights in the small space. I helped her unload, noticing when she powered up the fridge from the outlet behind it. Weird.

Once the groceries were put away, she turned to me. “How about a ride back to my car now?”

My eyes widened. “But you said—”

She stepped forward, cutting me off, and held my hands in hers. “Joshua. I saw you at the grocery store. I saw your heart shatter when you could not care for your son the way you wanted. I saw that same heart disintegrate when you let go of something you cared about in that skateboard shop.”

“There is no niece, is there?” I choked out.

She ignored me and looked around. “I know it’s not much of a house, but you and Tommy—you can make it your home.”

* * *

I get asked a lot how I do it: raise a kid on my own and not be bitter about the life that’d been handed to me. Here’s the answer: I wake up every morning.

That’s it.

There are no hidden secrets, no words of wisdom or encouragement.

I wake up.

Breathe new air.

And fall even deeper in love with a kid I created.

Tommy squatted in front of the cereal aisle, his face contorting with that look I’d come to recognize over the past year of his existence. Then he started to grunt.

I grimaced. “I bet it’s a big poop, huh?”

His face turned a shade darker. He grunted louder and I couldn’t help but laugh. He watched me watching him through his clear blue eyes. I’d read somewhere that a lot of babies are born with blue eyes but they can change over time. A part of me had hoped that his would change, become brown like mine. Because every time I looked in his eyes, I saw Natalie. It didn’t make me angry or pissed off like it would most. It just kind of bugged me. Like, I wish he had more of me in him than her. You know… considering she wasn’t even around to see the epic poop-face that I was currently witnessing.

A diaper change and two aisles later, I heard, “Josh, is that you?” and I turned to see my Uncle Robby and his wife walking toward me, huge grins on both their faces. Uncle Robby was my dad’s stepbrother. He was only ten years older than me so he was more like a cousin than anything. We didn’t see each other often, once a year maybe, twice if we were lucky, but not once since Tommy was born.

I stopped pushing the cart and waited for them to join me. Robby’s wife, Kim, smiled even wider when she saw Tommy.

“Who’s this little guy?” Robby asked, and my heart dropped and realization set in: Dad was so ashamed he didn’t even tell his family about us.

I cleared my throat and raised my chin, my pride overpowering the need to sulk. “This is my son Tommy.”

Robby’s eyes went wide. “Your son?”

I nodded.

He looked from me to Tommy and back again. “Your dad never mentioned it.”

“Yeah, well my dad’s kind of an asshole,” I murmured.

“How old is he?”

“Nearly one,” I told him.

“Huh,” he said, then added, “You guys want to grab some lunch?”

“Can’t. Gotta get this stuff home and unpacked and Tommy needs to nap.” I turned the cart to face the exit. “What are you guys doing here anyway? I thought you moved to Charlotte?”

Kim answered, “We moved back a month ago. How about we take you boys out for dinner tomorrow night?”

Something felt off. When people found out I had a kid there were normally two reactions. (1) They ran the other direction and (2) They looked at me with so much pity in their eyes I wanted to punch them.

The last person who welcomed me was Chazarae and, honestly, I believe that was a higher person’s doing. I wasn’t religious, didn’t believe in a God, not unless she came in the form of a quiet but sometimes-kooky old Hawaiian lady who talked to her plants.

Kim smiled warmly and it finally hit me—which of the two reactions she was having. Pity. People can’t hide pity—it lives in their eyes, not in their fake smiles. “We’re good,” I said, starting to turn away. “We don’t need your charity.”

“Whoa!” Robby grabbed my arm. “Josh, I don’t know what your problem is but my wife just invited you to dinner. Nothing else. If you don’t want to go you can just say no. You don’t have to throw her kindness in her face.”

I stepped back; my shoulders slumped in defeat. “I’m sorry,” I said, and I meant it. So maybe I was being oversensitive. I guess hearing the fact that your own father had completely cut all ties with you could do that to a person. I rubbed my eyes.

“Are you okay, Josh?” Robby asked.

“Yeah. Listen, I’m sorry. How about you guys get some takeout and bring it to my place? I’m starved, but I gotta get Tommy home.”

Kim smiled again—the pity in her eyes completely wiped.

I gave them my address and told them to give me an hour or so to get Tommy settled.

By the time I got home, Tommy was asleep in the backseat. I put him in his crib, unloaded the groceries and a moment later, they showed up. We ate and made small talk in-between the long awkward silences. They asked if I was seeing anybody and I told them I wasn’t really interested in girls at the moment.

“What, you’re gay?” Robby shouted.

I threw a plastic fork at his head. “Shut up. You’ll wake Tommy. And no, I’m not gay!” I shook my head at him. “I just mean that Tommy takes precedence and I haven’t really been with anyone since Natalie.”

“Tommy’s mom?” Kim asked.

I nodded. Honestly, it felt good to have someone to actually talk to that spoke back. Hunter was gone on an impromptu road trip so it didn’t leave me much as far as adult conversation went.

“How’s the skateboarding going?” Robby asked.

“It’s not.”

“What to do you mean? You loved skating.”

“Yeah,” I shrugged, “But I love Tommy more, and I couldn’t have both.”

“So you just gave it up?” Robby said, eyeing Kim sideways.

“That’s a big deal, Josh. It’s a huge sacrifice,” Kim said.

I laughed awkwardly. It was my go-to reaction when people started pushing the wrong buttons. “Nothing I do for Tommy is a sacrifice.”

Robby cleared his throat, then asked, “You still hang out with that basketball kid?”

“Hunter? Yeah. Well, kind of. I mean I hope so. Things have changed.”

“Changed?”

“He got engaged,” I said with a shrug.

“Oh yeah?” Kim asked. “That’s a little young.”

I stayed silent—opting to leave out the parts about their road trip and Chloe’s cancer diagnosis.

“Josh?” Kim said, and this time—I didn’t have to look in her eyes to feel her pity. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I said. But the truth? I’d been alone since Hunter had left. And not just alone or isolated or disregarded, but I was lonely. Though I’d never admit that to anyone.

* * *

The next day, I half-assed it through closing at the bowling alley where I work and sped home. Robby had called earlier and said that he and Kim wanted to drop by to talk about something. Honestly, when they mentioned they’d keep in touch, I didn’t believe them.

They came in and sat on the only couch I had and I pulled up a chair from the kitchen table.

I watched them.

They watched me.

Occasionally, they’d watch each other.

“So, good talk. Thanks for dropping by,” I said.

Robby laughed a little.

Kim cleared her throat and sat up straighter while Robby took her hand in his.

My eyes narrowed, my gaze moving from her to Robby. He smiled but it was tight. Then he kissed his wife on the cheek and focused his attention on me. “I know you said you didn’t want charity and we’re not here for that.”

I crossed my arms. “So what do you want?”

He glanced over at his wife again. “Kim—she loves kids. We both do… and that’s kind of why we’re here,” Robby said.

Confusion set in, only for a moment before I realized what the hell he was saying. “What the fire truck?” I got to my feet and started pointing fingers. “You can’t have my kid!”

His eyes widened. “No, dickhead. We’re not asking for your kid.”

I sat back in my chair and uncrossed my arms. “So why are you here?”

“I wanted to offer you a job—one that I’m sure pays better than that bowling alley.”

“What kind of job?”

“I started my own construction company here. It has the potential to be pretty big thanks to the old man’s money. That’s why we moved back. I need laborers, Josh. There’s room to move higher in the company—if that’s something you’d be interested in. There’ll be deadlines to get a job complete, but you could make your own hours… work it around Tommy.” He sucked in a breath, then added, “I know you said you’re driving around in your friend’s car, which is fine, but if you were interested in the job you’d need to use the company truck. It’s a crew cab, so you’ll have room for Tommy in the back. It’ll be hard work, I’m not going to lie, but I’ll make sure the pay’s worth it.” He nudged Kim.

“Oh, me?” she asked, surprised.

He nodded.

She looked nervous.

It made me nervous.

She said, “I was wondering—I mean, if you decide to take the job… if maybe I could watch Tommy while you were working? I don’t work at the moment and it would be my pleasure.” She pulled out her phone from her pocket. “I can give you the numbers of personal references if you don’t feel like you can trust me right away. We can start a couple hours a week. Whatever you want, Josh. It would save you money on daycare—”

“Why?” I cut in, raising my chin and squaring my shoulders. “Why offer me a job, let me work my own hours, pay me well? Why give me a car and offer to watch my kid? Why?”

Robby answered, “Because you’re family, Josh, and regardless of how the world has shown you otherwise, decent people—they don’t turn their backs on their family.”

* * *

I took the offered job. I’d be stupid not to. Maybe it would help give me and Tommy a head start instead of living paycheck to paycheck and counting dimes.

When I went to hand in my two weeks’ notice, the manager at the bowling alley told me to leave on the spot and not to bother coming back. It was kind of a blessing because it meant I could start work with Robby right away.

The work was hard, especially considering I’d been used to merely handing out shoes and taking people’s money. The pay, however, was good—a little too good. I tried to talk to Robby about it. I specifically told him he was paying me way too much. He called me a dickhead and told me to get back to work.

The first day, I pulled Tommy out of daycare and let Kim watch him. She came by the job site twice. I didn’t know if it was for her benefit or mine but I was grateful she did because truthfully, I was worried about how they’d get along. The fact that Tommy didn’t want to leave her house when I’d gone to pick him up sealed the deal.

And so for the next two years, I didn’t feel so alone, at least not in the grand scheme of things. I had help, emotional and financial, and I no longer felt like I was cracking under the strain of my life.

Until she came along.